Happy New year and The I Wills For 2010

I am not one for resolutions. If I resolve to do something like lose weight I find I am resolving to finish the Hershy's kisses faster than you can say January 2nd. So I do the "I Wills', and I hope you'll join me!  The rules are simple, what will you do in the new year? I encourage your I Wills to feature both lofty goals and small ones. A small victory is still a victory and taste of success just makes you want more. (Also like Hershey Kisses)

• I will be kind to Zach in action and thought, expecting nothing in return
• I will eat healthily in order to be strong for my family
• I will exercise regularly
• I will create a beautiful living space, wherever that is.
• I will be kind to my baby in his frustration, recognizing that he cannot express what he wants and that must be so stressful for him!
• I will tell him I am proud of him every, listing his accomplishments of the day (I already do this before bedtime...so check!)
• I will begin to prepare my mind for weaning the baby
• I will begin to prepare my body for (God willing) baby #2
• I will do something for me every day.
• I will do something for my career every day
• I will do something about my anxiety. 
• I will start wearing real clothes on a regular basis, and make up too! (instead of my yoga pants/hoodie uniform of late) 
• I will behave kindly when I feel grumpy, even when people stop in the middle of a walkway to text. (Grrrrrrrrrr)
• I will smile and say thank you to valets, parking attendants, check out workers, mailman...those who cross my path.
• I will donate money to my favorite charities.
• I will host a family dinner in my own home. (Christmas!? apartment or house, doesn't matter. Just has to be our home)
• I will try very hard to let my baby be independent and not need me as much, resisting the urge to keep him wholly dependent on me.
• I will trust others with his care.
• I will talk on the phone more (I'm not good on the phone for some reason. I'd rather text!)
• I will NOT be afraid of following me the path laid out for me even if it is not the one I would have chosen.
• I will accept abundance 
• I will accept success
• I will caretake my friendships.
• I will play more
• I will laugh more
• I will think better of my appearance
• I will love him up one side and down the other every day! 

• I will fit into this dress again and have somewhere to wear it! 

• I will also learn some photo editing, not just iPhone apps!
• I will figure out what I want to call this blog!
• I will move it to whatever that is, without loosing people
• I will get a real design! 
• I will continue to pursue the creative side of my personality.
• I will embrace being a wife and a mother. 
• I will continue to pursue my acting 
• I will be GREAT on set when I film in February. 
• I will treasure every day as the gift that it is
• And lastly, I will live by this quote for 2010

She chose to focus on the beauty in life, 

and the more she saw; the more she had.

Happy New Year to you all! Thank you for joining me this year, I've loved reading your blogs and loved every comment and every visit you've blessed me with. BE SAFE!!!!

Wordless Wednesday~ Live! In Concert!

Preparing to take the stage...

Presenting BABY MAAAAAAX!!!

Even Rock Stars get distracted by the lights sometimes!

A little dancing for the fans.

Pause for the camera close up.

Taking a bow...sort of.

Plum tuckered out, still clutching the guitar.

Many, many thanks to the Newseum for letting Max take the stage

and to all the wonderful people who stopped and clapped

 and cheered for, let's be honest, my little ham.

Merry Christmas!!

Santa was just as cool this time as the last. Max? Not-so-much.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

The Christmas Spirit.

Things have been tough here at the American Dream and honestly? There isn't a lot extra money for Christmas presents. I love Christmas, love it. But this year? Let's just say I've been glad all my decorations are packed away.

No Christmas Spirit to be had in my heart this year.

Until today. See, along with the joy of blogland, I belong to one of those message boards, I have for years. And dare I say it, those women are exactly what Maya Angelou was talking about when she described PHENOMENAL.

They've been with me from the high of the highs, celebrating my debut on a Soap, putting my commercials on you tube, attending my wedding, coming to my baby shower. They've been with me through the low of the lows, moving, my husband loosing his job, the economy, losing my beloved Minky...everything.

They've always got a funny snarky comment, they tell it like it is, and I have always been honored to call them my friends. Yeah....we met on line, but they've become a part of my daily life. We've visited each others homes, attended weddings, baby showers and certainly had our fair share of destination get togethers.

They are good people.

Today Santa arrived in the form of many boxes from UPS. Some with familiar names and addresses. Some anonymous. Presents for Max, and one or two for me and Zach. But really, for Max. Because Christmas is truly about the innocence, the love and the belief of children right?

Baby Max will have lots of presents to open now!! And it's not the presents, they are wonderful of course! But it truly is the thought. They know first hand how hard this year has been on me. On my marriage, on my self esteem and yes I admit it, my ego has been bruised this year too.

With a few presents they gave me more than they could have imagined. They gave me the Spirit of Christmas. They took the time to think of us, to think of Max. In this economy they spent their hard earned money to purchase and send these gifts. I am so, so humbled.

 If anyone says Santa doesn't exist...well, they are just plain wrong.

Some of them put their return addresses but most just put SANTA on the return label. My heart is so full tonight. I've had Christmases where money was coming out of my ears and I spoiled everyone rotten. (I truly do love to buy and give the gifts more than I like to receive them. And I like to receive them, so that should tell you something!) This Christmas will go down in my memory as one of the best of my life. Because I was given more than just presents. I was given the gift of love, of charity, and of kindness.

I'll never be able to convey how much these women and their families have touched my heart. Ever. I am not a good enough writer to come close, and I am certain this is truly bordering on cheesey as it is.

I can promise to pay it forward. I may not be able to repay them for what they have given me, but I promise to carry it in my heart all year and try, even if it's just in a small way, to pass it along to someone else.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Wordless Wednesday~ Curses. Foiled again!

Sweet Baby Max's latest victims.

The Treasure Chest...er, closet. Treasure closet.

Sometimes when you've been trapped in the house for several days you take to wandering from room to room. Especially if you are 16 months old. Or if you are that 16 month olds mother.

Max and I just wandering through the house, room to room.

So, say you're wandering about and you head into the baby's favorite room, his Auntie Kelly's room. (We've no idea why he's so obsessed with her old room...but there it is. You can't find Max? Check there first) Of course he's all confident pulling things down and attempting to see just what is on top of that table, because he knows his mommy is ever so patiently following him around (again).

Being 16 months old and supremely sweet, he decided Mommy needed a present, and before Mommy could even put down her (much needed) coffee, he swooped into Auntie Kelly's closet and picked something pink to bring to Mommy. That boy. So young, so smart. Pink is indeed my favorite color.

Oh! (I gasp!) I've never seen this, I LOVE IT!

I tossed that dress down and take a picture with my iPhone, which is SO obviously my attachment object. (hey! If Max can have his sock monkey I can have an iphone...whaddya mean I should be past that developmental phase?) and furiously texted Auntie K.

Best sister in law ever, non? So now I know why a certain 16 month old is obsessed with Auntie Kelly's room. First he found the big yellow ball there (the exercise ball, another Max obsession) and now this!  That room is like a treasure chest of awesomness.

Now I'm all floaty and happy and looking forward to the sun!

This dress gives me Spring Fever.



Also, I'm going to need some sort of slip.

I wouldn't be East Coast if I didn't blog about the snow.

Seriously. They'd revoke my East Coast Family (Boys 2 Men, ABC, BBD) membership card. Which might be okay, since we all know I miss the land of Lost Angels. (West Coast, baby!)

Menfolk be shoveling in the a.m.

Whatever. It's SNOWY here. And by snowy? I mean ridiculous gorgeous. And I mean ridiculous gorgeous because I don't have to go anywhere and  because my brilliant mother in law stocked up for Armageddon at Giant and I have enough strawberries and seltzer water to get me through till spring.

wanna play in the sand?

She also bought diapers. She's awesome that way.

Oh Santa, my Santa! 

Things that are fabulous about being snowed in are:

1. It's so pretty! 
2. My mother in law felt the need to make cookies. Oatmeal chocolate chips. My favorite. 
3. The in-laws played with Baby Max so I could rock the yoga dvd
4. I rocked the yoga dvd
5. Elf was on t.v. I am disarmed by Buddy The Elf. 
6. A molar the size of Wisconsin popped through Max's gum. Hooray! And perhaps, relief? 
7. Max and I had a serious dance party. The kid has moves.
8. I abused my in-laws desire to play with Baby Max, and totally indulged in a big old beauty day! 
9. Hair has been deep conditioned, skin has been masked. (masqued?)
10. Many, many, many, baby snuggles
11. Many, many, many, readings of Llama Llama Red Pajama (which come with extra baby snuggles. Bonus.)
12. P.J.'s all day. 

Rotten things about being snowed in:

1. Zach is stuck at the St. Regis in D.C. and will possibly be there till Monday
2. 'Stuck' apparently involves getting drunk with the kitchen staff and texting me late night.
3. No, I won't share the texts with you! (But they were amusing.)
4. I miss Zach
5. My poor father in law had to shovel everything not once, but twice...and you cannot tell at all. 
6. His back is wrecked.
7. His sister reminded him that 'men of his age can have heart attacks shoveling snow'. (he did not.)
8. 'Snowed in' apparently involves eating everything in the house.
9. Like yummy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. And frozen organic vegetarian burritos. And Lentil soup. And oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. 

Prozac Puppy in the a.m. loving the snow.

The snow has stopped now, here's hoping that it stays gone so my sweetie can come home to me! And promptly make me mad. Ain't marriage grand?

Cookie good.

Two of my obsessions

Christmas & Max

Thank you little man for taking your Tylenol and trying to un-decorate the tree. I hope those teeth bust out soon. I love you! 

Wordless Wednesday~ My 100th post!

Right now. Utter peace and perfection. True love.

Apparently I'm a tv star...or four.

So the other day Baby Max (a.k.a. Stinker, The King, King Max, Monkey...I tend to get carried away) and I are chilling out,  kickin it on the couch reading some books. We had a busy day, we had vacuumed; I used my Pet Hair Eraser and he made quick work of the floor using his vintage Fisher Price light up vaccuum. (His is way cooler than mine, let me tell you.) We sorted some blocks and called every cat in the house 'Mo', even if only one of them is actually named Mo. We worked on the colors and had several rousing performances of Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, danced our booties off and now we were resting on the big cushy couch having a snack.
I may or may not have switched on a little General Hospital. There. I've admitted it. I watch GH. I have since I was kid and I can't stop now! I love me some General Hospital. Always have. Always will! I DVR it. I am a proud GH'er.
Then Max (who shall now be known as The Most Glorious and Sweetest Boy Evah) pointed right at the TV and said excitedly "Mama!" and looked at me then back to the screen "MAMA!" he pointed and waved all happy to see me on television.
Here  I am:

Don't I look good?

(That's the ridiculously gorgeous Rebecca Herbst a.k.a. Liz on GH)

Baby Max clapped his fat hands and pointed back and forth from the television to me saying "Mama!" to each of us, before crawling into my lap and kissing me.

Awesome.

Suddenly I wasn't alone on television..oh no. Someone else special had shown up! DADA!

How cute are we? (Actually I'm obsessing over her sweater)

Baby Max was loosing his mind at how exciting it was that I could be there with him and yet on tv at the same time! And Dada too! He waved and giggled and clapped and I had to jump for the remote as um...'Mama' and 'Dada' were clearly about to engage in some un-toddler friendly nekkidness.

I floated on a cloud of happy all day thinking 'That's how he sees me! Glamorous, hair all curled, perfect make up and tiny. Wearing gorgeous clothes not these same old yoga pants. He looks at me and sees that gorgeous creature! Gosh I love him!'

Over the next couple of days Sweet Baby Max pointed out several of my other career highlights.

Perhaps you saw my husband and myself doing fashion makeovers on What Not To Wear
MAMA! DADA!

I'll take it! She's cool!

Or keeping a clean house and a snarky sense of humor:

MAMA!

Not bad...not bad at all!

Hey! I can really sing!

MAMA!

(Plus, she's like...12! whoohoo! Thanks Baby Max!)

Or perhaps you enjoyed my ground breaking turn as a Drag Queen:

MAMA!!!!

Thanks for everything Julie Newmar.

I told you guys I was a versatile actress!

Celebrity Sighting!

I had to run into the mall just for a minute. I had a gift card that was  burning a hole in my pocket and I knew exactly what I wanted to use it on! I was going to let Stinker walk around but as we entered Nordstrom's,  sitting all alone in the alcove, practically lit with God rays was one of those red car mall strollers.  And while I thought: Yuck! Germs, ugh! Stinker thought: yes, yes YES! I NEED TO GET IN THAT RIGHT NOW!!

Guess who won?

Max pretended to drive and beep the horn and had a grand old germ infested drive through Nordies while I quickly acquired what I desired. (hee) He was having such a good time, I thought I might cruise around the mall a bit and show him some of the decorations. And okay fine, you caught me I might have also planned on stopping at Caribou for a peppermint soy latte.

Stinker was busy driving and pointing at everything red asking "Memo?" which in Stinker speak is Elmo, how could you not just get that? Duh.  :) When all of a sudden there he was. Walking toward us, smiling and being basically just totally awesome. I squeaked with delight and Max turned around abandoning his all important stroller driving to see what I was bubbling over about.

I couldn't help myself, it was so exciting. He was so tall, so powerful so...SANTA like!

Max, look! It's Santa! Santa Claus, right here! (uh, note to self...Santa is frequently at the mall in December, no need to lose your mind over him. Oh, too late!) Max stared up at him eyes wide and this huge red figure, who was clearly NOT Elmo, (Stinker himself said Memo in a decidedly you are not Elmo tone of voice) and warily gave Santa a smile. Baby was cool as a cucumber.

I however was not.

I continued babbling excitedly saying Santa Max, it's Santa!  And Santa, bless his heart, took the time out to make a Christmas crazed new mom's day. He walked right up to us bent down to Max, who's eyes got wider and wider, and said

 "Hello little one~! Ho ho ho, how are you today?"

Stinker said "oooooh nana"

Santa responded with "You love bananas? Oh good, they are so good for you! That puts you on the nice list!"

I squeaked again, and may or may not have teared up a wee bit.

Stinker said "Memo"

Santa said "Oh, you like Elmo do you?"

OH. MY. GOD. SANTA IS A GENIUS!

I totally lose it at this point, I am completely aware of the ridiculousness of my reactions and yet I cannot.stop.myself.

Me "Santa, he loves Elmo!"

Santa "Well, that is good to know! You be good little one!"

I say "Max"

Santa says "Max, you be good for Mommy and I'll tell Elmo you love him"

Stinker's eyes get even wider and says "Memo!"

Santa says "Yes. Memo!"

Then he turns his cheery eyes to me and says sincerely "Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!" and turns and heads into his Santa area where all the little boys and girls and their parents are patiently waiting to sit on his lap and have their picture taken, and maybe one or two of them might ask for a Memo of their own.

We are planning to take Stinker back this week to get his picture taken. I am hoping two things: 1. Stinker will be as cool as a cucumber while actually sitting on Santa's lap for a picture and 2. Santa won't remember me or will at least remember me fondly. Sweet guy.

Lesson? Max is totally cool, Santa is frigging AWESOME and I am a huge dork.

It was so neat.

Magical Morning

Stinker and I rolled outta bed around 10 today. No, we didn't sleep in. Well I suppose we did, but in our defense it was only because someone little and cute and warmly pudgy who had a shot yesterday was up half the night.
Imagine my delight when I woke to big fat fluffy snowflakes falling frantically to the ground. I carried him over to the patio doors and oh! how did I not have a camera??? His face upon seeing that snow was priceless. Hallmark Christmas commercial kid delight. Just perfect.

You know what wasn't as perfect? The actuality of cold wet snow upon his face. Not a big fan, but he graciously allowed me to carry his Royal Highness from tree to bush to car to bird house so that he could investigate the wonder of the newly white blanketed world.


It was really cool.

Aporkalypse Now.

Dub stood no chance against a Max-Zuzu team up!

Ten days of a visit...2 pictures where you can kinda see both of their faces.

Two nights ago (which is like afternoon back home) I got an upset text from Dub. Zu had a temp of 104 and the pediatrician suspected the dreaded (duh duh duuuuuuuuuunn) Swine Flu (how's that whole H1N1 renaming thing going? Yeah, thought not) over the next 12 hours I read text after text of panic and fear and sadness as Dub struggled to keep her baby as comfortable as possible. At 4 am he was shivering violently and not sleeping at all. Needless to say, he was at the pediatricians ASAP. Official diagnosis given and Tamiflu administered.

Except for that terrible bit where the little ones can't keep anything down or in during this flu.

Trickedoo! The meds won't even stay down. Sigh. My very own panic at Stinker getting sick reached a fairly high level so I made the same call I've made every week to Dr. Courtney (she's young! she's blonde! she's awesome!) and wonder of wonders, miracles of miracles my question was answered with a yes, we have the vaccine, bring him on down.

Last night Zuzu slept a little bit on his daddy's chest, congested and fevery but resting a bit and I peeked in on my own cherub and cried a little.

Being away from Dub and Zu and Janice and Ben is really, really tough on me. It's tough being away from all my friends/family in Los Angeles but being away from my best friend Janice and my godson Ben and from Sistah Dub and Zu is utterly heartwrenching. I am missing everything.
And I feel guilty. Guilty for leaving shortly after Janice's cancer diagnosis (she kicked it's ass by the way!) and Zuzu was only 10 weeks old and newly diagnosed with PKU. We were supposed to be Team Zuzu. Raising PKU awareness together and taking the kids to do fun stuff together. I'm still not over it.

Especially when something happens... something where I would have been able to help. I looked at my Stinker all snuggled with his Sock Monkey and I thought I should really be leaving you in Daddy's care and heading to Dub's to rock Zu while they take a rest, a shower, a meal...anything to give them a little break.
Of course I can't do that at all. All I can do is send Dub late night texts telling her what an amazing mom she is. How scary it must be to see your little one so sick.

This morning I woke early and when Stinker stirred I brought him to bed with me and we snuggled in the covers, cuddling with the Prozac Puppy, slowly waking and stretching. Those morning smiles he gives me are the bestest. The joy he has that I am still here can only be matched by...well by mine that he is still here!

I spoiled him with yogurt and blueberry muffins for breakfast before we bundled up (you rarely have to bundle in LA and I still haven't gotten the hang of it) and headed out to get stuck.

He handled it like a champ. Me? I'm going for a spotless record of crying every time he gets a shot. Perfect record so far!

Afterwards I treated myself to some Starbucks, Stinker got an emtpy cup with a lid just like he likes and I was happy listening to him sing along with Frank Sinatra's Christmas Album. I know I'm biased, but fer reals y'all, my kid is awesome.

Dub tells me Zu is doing better today, still sick but hopefully on the road to recovery. I hope he feels better soon, and I hope we get to visit asap. Cause fer reals y'all, my nephew is awesome.


Hope all of you and your little ones too are nothing but happy and healthy!

I.Am.Annoyed.

I am annoyed. At the fashion world. Trust me I don't say that lightly. To me fashion is a near religious experience and I have great reverence for it. We're previously discussed how a great pair of boots can leave me breathless, or a fabulous dress cut on a bias is a thing of wonder.

So what the hell fashion industry??? I'm no longer a twig so you've got nothing for me?

I'm doing ok in the post baby body pursuit. I'm 9 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight but my body is all kinds of different. I've got lumps where once I was smooth, I've got bumps and wobbles and boobs (!) and actually, Ripley's Believe It Or Not, I quite like my new body. But finding something flattering is proving to be a bit difficult. I realize now that not everyone could just walk in, grab something off the rack and assume it would look great. I did. Snotty McSnotterson, party of one checking in. Oh, I'm learning big time now that the amount of clothes I can wear that don't reduce me to tears is minimal at best.

Case in point, why is everything still empire waist? It's slowly starting to change now that winter is upon us, but thanks I'm not pregnant anymore and this just emphasizes the jelly roll hanging out around what used to be my belly button.
Shopping to replace my (useless broken far to expensive I want a new one) stroller the other day I was thrilled that an employee at Buy Buy Baby was so happy to help me! Until she cheerily said "So you'll need a double stroller soon! How exciting!" um no. Not pregnant. Just jiggly. But thanks. Now, how's the Britax selling?

My choices seem to be blousey polyester large patterned tops  or skin tight slut wear, or if I head to the women's department, some sort of strange tunic top.  Somehow in the time it took to grow this child until this point the juniors departments seems to have become a one stop shop to boobville.
It cannot be that difficult to design comfortable, affordable stomach flattering clothing. It just can't.
I realize for the fashion world it's not nearly as exciting as say, making a 3 million dollar bra made of diamonds or a gown made of rare emu feathers, but come on! Give a girl a break.

Here Comes the Sun

Did you kids watch the HBO Rock and Roll Hall of Fame concert? If not you should it's amazing. Sting, Stevie Wonder, Simon and Garfunkel, B.B. King...it's awesome (for lack of a better word). For me the most moving part was (surprise!) when Paul Simon, Graham Nash and David Crosby sang Here Comes the Sun. I've decided this is going to be my new theme song, a la Ally McBeal (hello 1996). This song is recurring in my life and ya know what? Maybe it's trying to teach me something.

I knew this girl once, man...she rubbed me the wrong way when I met her. Just everything about her made me mad. But she loved me anyway as a friend and she wore me down! We became friends and she taught me so much, forced me to confront things about myself and my fears that maybe weren't so pretty. On New Years Eve she showed up at a theatre I was performing at to tell me (and my then boyfriend) that she loved us. It was a NYE task at the party she was attending, they had to act as though this was the last night on earth and tell people they loved how they felt. She drove all the way into Hollywood on NYE to tell us.  She told me she loved me and never for one moment did I doubt it.

She always used to say:

 "You can't fly if you don't jump out of the plane!'

Man, I can picture her clear as day telling me that, extending her arms and tilting to an angle. She lived life in the moment at every moment. I wasn't nearly as close to her as some, but she made a huge impact on my life, she blessed me with long talks and emails and she blessed me with teaching me how to live a little bit. I'll never forget her, or the lessons I learned from her.

We got an email right around Halloween asking us for good thoughts as they had found a spot on her lung. We gave every good thought, prayer and bargain we could give.
When the diagnosis of lung cancer came I emailed her and she told me  she was gonna kick this things ass and she'd be home for Thanksgiving so I should make the mashed potatoes, ma, lumpy just like she liked em.
She never lost her sense of humor. I never saw her again. She didn't take visitors, and even if she had I was pretty low on the totem pole, although I know she would have welcomed me with open arms. I honestly believe she didn't want any of us to remember her frail and in a bed. She was so vibrant, that's what she wanted to leave us with.
She died in January. Gone way too soon. Gone way too fast. Not enough people got to experience her life force because there is NO other word for it. She was a force, a force of nature, a force of Joy. Just an all around FORCE.
Her funeral was astonishing. We enjoyed, yes enjoyed, fantastic stories about her told by amazing people. We laughed and oh holy hell did we cry.  She had been in a cast of RENT and at the reception following the funeral her cast busted out with Seasons of Love. Everyone in the place held their breath till it was over, and then we all cried the ugly cry.

One of the things I remember most was her sisters talking about how she passed, peacefully as they played Here Comes the Sun on the guitar and sang to her. Can you imagine a better song to leave this world too?

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, 

and I say it's all right 

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter 

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 

and I say it's all right 

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces 

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 

and I say it's all right 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... 

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting 

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, 

and I say it's all right 

It's all right 

It has been a long cold lonely winter since we left Los Angeles, but maybe the sun is coming...and I'm going to try to be open to what it brings and be vibrant like she was, be brave like she was and tell the people I love that I love them like she did.

I guess she is still teaching me a thing or two.

Smithsonian Merry Go Round.