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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm just going to put it out there.

You might have notived I haven't blogged in a bit. Or not. I've been sort of sporadic about it but I'm just going to put it all out there now, raw and untouched and unedited.
Gah.
Last night we saw Julie & Julia, and you know how when a movie just speaks to you? This movie sort of rocked my world. Both Julie and Julia are struggling, searching and lost and both find there way through cooking. (I won't be finding my way through cooking as it seems like a lot of work and that's what take out is for) Wow, listening to the dialogue of how lost and empty they felt I thought, well, that's exactly how I feel now.
I feel terrible saying how lost I feel lately, how homesick and cat sick (rest in peace sweet Minky) because I do have the most important thing in the entire world and that is my sweet, sweet baby Max. It's as if voicing these feelings I am denying the good in my life and I don't want to do that. I'm still terrified that the precious boy napping his crib right now is just a beautiful dream. Perhaps I don't want to tempt fate for fear that he will be taken away from me. I know, that's not how it works but I want to state for the record I love my baby, he is funny and fabulous and I love spending time with him. He is my heart. I wish I could describe the utter disconnect between my joy at being his mother and how lost I am about everything else.
Buuuuut, I knew I would be different after I had the baby, and I am. But it's not the post baby body, or the reevaluation of priorities that has me lost. I know it has a lot to do with moving away from my friends and home. I mean, who am I now?

I'm searching. Not for who I was, even though I really liked her, snotty as that sounds. But for who I am now. I was happy before, in fact I told my mother after the baby was born that I thought I might be in heaven...everything was so lovely. I was happy, optomistic, funny, employed and proud of my carreer now matter how small it was. I am now...none of those things. Well, maybe still funny.
But I'm sad. I can't seem to get back to the happy optomistic person I was before the move. And I do have a lot to be grateful and thankful for, and I am. But I've lost my groove, so to speak. I'm not depressed but I just feel lost.
Ages ago I worked this crazy job at a chiropractic office and for some reason the Wall Street Journal showed up at the office one day and so I read it. They had the results of a luck study. Fascinating. They studied 50 people who thought they were lucky, and 50 who thought they were unlucky. The study was simple. The researchers placed ads throughout a newspaper and asked the participants to count the ads. On the second page was a big ad, with bolded writing that said "If you are in the research study you can stop counting. There are 27 ads in this newspaper"
Overwhelmingly the 'lucky' people stopped counting, while the 'unlucky' people kept on going, frequently missing some of the ads.
The researchers decided that lucky people had two skills that unlucky people didn't. They were able to see opportunities when they were presented to them and they trusted them. I decided that day to be lucky and I always have been. Until now. I just can't seem to get back!
And yes, I know the only person who can change this is me. And I'm going to get right on that. I am. I just need to find my passion (aside from mothering of course), I promise everyone I know that it won't be cooking. There's no reason to torture anyone in the pursuit of happiness.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

Are we twins? No, seriously? Because I feel the exact same way! WAAAAAH!!!

On a side note: I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky. (Repeat after me) I am lucky. I am lucky...

RobertZ said...

Good post, Lady.

Keri said...

6 years later, I'm still sort of there. No longer as sad about it, but still searching and wondering when I'll rediscover that *thing* inside of me that makes my soul sing. Motherhood is glorious, but also really, really hard. You wrap your heart so tightly and completely around another being and it's so easy to forget how to be yourself & not mommy.

Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

New baby and losses make life rough. You are torn between which way is up, stop and go, left and right. I was there after my first, after my twins, after I started staying home full time.....motherhood in my opinion is THE BEST and the crappiest job on Earth. No one trains you for the job, gives you an employee handbook, and everyone takes you for granted. So you have to learn to be selfish and put yourself first before everyone and everything else and then we find that love and passion of life and that missing link we had. I wish you all the best of luck because it doesn't happen over night.

With a good support system (real or online) you will get there and it makes all the jobs we do and hats we wear that much more enjoyable. Best of luck to you my online bloggy friend. Also....the breastfeeding myth of skinny....sucks! TOTAL LIES!! But once you are done, then the weight loss comes....but really, really slow!