The Christmas Spirit.

Things have been tough here at the American Dream and honestly? There isn't a lot extra money for Christmas presents. I love Christmas, love it. But this year? Let's just say I've been glad all my decorations are packed away.

No Christmas Spirit to be had in my heart this year.

Until today. See, along with the joy of blogland, I belong to one of those message boards, I have for years. And dare I say it, those women are exactly what Maya Angelou was talking about when she described PHENOMENAL.

They've been with me from the high of the highs, celebrating my debut on a Soap, putting my commercials on you tube, attending my wedding, coming to my baby shower. They've been with me through the low of the lows, moving, my husband loosing his job, the economy, losing my beloved Minky...everything.

They've always got a funny snarky comment, they tell it like it is, and I have always been honored to call them my friends. Yeah....we met on line, but they've become a part of my daily life. We've visited each others homes, attended weddings, baby showers and certainly had our fair share of destination get togethers.

They are good people.

Today Santa arrived in the form of many boxes from UPS. Some with familiar names and addresses. Some anonymous. Presents for Max, and one or two for me and Zach. But really, for Max. Because Christmas is truly about the innocence, the love and the belief of children right?

Baby Max will have lots of presents to open now!! And it's not the presents, they are wonderful of course! But it truly is the thought. They know first hand how hard this year has been on me. On my marriage, on my self esteem and yes I admit it, my ego has been bruised this year too.

With a few presents they gave me more than they could have imagined. They gave me the Spirit of Christmas. They took the time to think of us, to think of Max. In this economy they spent their hard earned money to purchase and send these gifts. I am so, so humbled.

 If anyone says Santa doesn't exist...well, they are just plain wrong.

Some of them put their return addresses but most just put SANTA on the return label. My heart is so full tonight. I've had Christmases where money was coming out of my ears and I spoiled everyone rotten. (I truly do love to buy and give the gifts more than I like to receive them. And I like to receive them, so that should tell you something!) This Christmas will go down in my memory as one of the best of my life. Because I was given more than just presents. I was given the gift of love, of charity, and of kindness.

I'll never be able to convey how much these women and their families have touched my heart. Ever. I am not a good enough writer to come close, and I am certain this is truly bordering on cheesey as it is.

I can promise to pay it forward. I may not be able to repay them for what they have given me, but I promise to carry it in my heart all year and try, even if it's just in a small way, to pass it along to someone else.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Two of my obsessions

Christmas & Max

Thank you little man for taking your Tylenol and trying to un-decorate the tree. I hope those teeth bust out soon. I love you! 

Celebrity Sighting!

I had to run into the mall just for a minute. I had a gift card that was  burning a hole in my pocket and I knew exactly what I wanted to use it on! I was going to let Stinker walk around but as we entered Nordstrom's,  sitting all alone in the alcove, practically lit with God rays was one of those red car mall strollers.  And while I thought: Yuck! Germs, ugh! Stinker thought: yes, yes YES! I NEED TO GET IN THAT RIGHT NOW!!

Guess who won?

Max pretended to drive and beep the horn and had a grand old germ infested drive through Nordies while I quickly acquired what I desired. (hee) He was having such a good time, I thought I might cruise around the mall a bit and show him some of the decorations. And okay fine, you caught me I might have also planned on stopping at Caribou for a peppermint soy latte.

Stinker was busy driving and pointing at everything red asking "Memo?" which in Stinker speak is Elmo, how could you not just get that? Duh.  :) When all of a sudden there he was. Walking toward us, smiling and being basically just totally awesome. I squeaked with delight and Max turned around abandoning his all important stroller driving to see what I was bubbling over about.

I couldn't help myself, it was so exciting. He was so tall, so powerful so...SANTA like!

Max, look! It's Santa! Santa Claus, right here! (uh, note to self...Santa is frequently at the mall in December, no need to lose your mind over him. Oh, too late!) Max stared up at him eyes wide and this huge red figure, who was clearly NOT Elmo, (Stinker himself said Memo in a decidedly you are not Elmo tone of voice) and warily gave Santa a smile. Baby was cool as a cucumber.

I however was not.

I continued babbling excitedly saying Santa Max, it's Santa!  And Santa, bless his heart, took the time out to make a Christmas crazed new mom's day. He walked right up to us bent down to Max, who's eyes got wider and wider, and said

 "Hello little one~! Ho ho ho, how are you today?"

Stinker said "oooooh nana"

Santa responded with "You love bananas? Oh good, they are so good for you! That puts you on the nice list!"

I squeaked again, and may or may not have teared up a wee bit.

Stinker said "Memo"

Santa said "Oh, you like Elmo do you?"

OH. MY. GOD. SANTA IS A GENIUS!

I totally lose it at this point, I am completely aware of the ridiculousness of my reactions and yet I cannot.stop.myself.

Me "Santa, he loves Elmo!"

Santa "Well, that is good to know! You be good little one!"

I say "Max"

Santa says "Max, you be good for Mommy and I'll tell Elmo you love him"

Stinker's eyes get even wider and says "Memo!"

Santa says "Yes. Memo!"

Then he turns his cheery eyes to me and says sincerely "Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!" and turns and heads into his Santa area where all the little boys and girls and their parents are patiently waiting to sit on his lap and have their picture taken, and maybe one or two of them might ask for a Memo of their own.

We are planning to take Stinker back this week to get his picture taken. I am hoping two things: 1. Stinker will be as cool as a cucumber while actually sitting on Santa's lap for a picture and 2. Santa won't remember me or will at least remember me fondly. Sweet guy.

Lesson? Max is totally cool, Santa is frigging AWESOME and I am a huge dork.

It was so neat.

Magical Morning

Stinker and I rolled outta bed around 10 today. No, we didn't sleep in. Well I suppose we did, but in our defense it was only because someone little and cute and warmly pudgy who had a shot yesterday was up half the night.
Imagine my delight when I woke to big fat fluffy snowflakes falling frantically to the ground. I carried him over to the patio doors and oh! how did I not have a camera??? His face upon seeing that snow was priceless. Hallmark Christmas commercial kid delight. Just perfect.

You know what wasn't as perfect? The actuality of cold wet snow upon his face. Not a big fan, but he graciously allowed me to carry his Royal Highness from tree to bush to car to bird house so that he could investigate the wonder of the newly white blanketed world.


It was really cool.

Afternoon snack

At 2:45 I nibbled on these as my afternoon snack.

They were delicious. What did you have?

It's never enough.

It's not enough. the longest I have been away from the baby since he was born is 7 hours. That's how much I love Paul McCartney.

I've not missed much and yet I feel like I've missed everything. I miss him the moment he goes to bed. I am jealous when he smiles or reaches for others and yet one of the things I treasure most about him is how friendly he is.

I've kissed his tiny toes every day and it's not enough.

I first nursed him when he was three hours old and I nursed him not three minutes ago before he fell asleep and it's not enough.

I've felt the weight of him grow heavier and stronger every day and it's not enough.

I have breathed in the scent of him a million times and it's not enough.

I have received a million gummy smiles and it's not enough.

He's given me hundreds of sloppy gross baby kisses and it's not enough.

He's shared his toys and his tears and I cannot get enough.

It's going to fast!! I had no idea it would be this fun, this fast and I cannot get enough of him.

It's been a long couple of weeks, capped off tonight with a fall in the bath and a small cut above his eye I'm sure tomorrow it will be a shiner, and yet..I just want more. From the moment he physically left my body he's steadily moving away from me, and that's just the way it's supposed to be, but I haven't had enough of holding him close. I know have many more years of snuggles (God willing) but I want more of him. I want to just inhale him.

I'm addicted to my baby.

She got naked at my wedding...

I'm proud to call the infamous Naked Jen my friend, no, not on line...in real life. I've stayed at her home. She attended my wedding. Although we did meet on line, and it's a good thing we did because we very well might not have been friends if we'd met in person first. And that would have been entirely my fault, and my loss. You see, despite the daddy issues which led to some poor choices, and a role or two in some B movies where I may or may not have had a scene where I was kidnapped and chained to a bed in my undies, at heart I really am kind of a prude. It's true. I can talk a big game and make some wild jokes but at the end of the day I am a big ol lily livered prude.

I'm definitely NOT a naked person. I'm the type of gal who wraps in a towel before she steps out of the shower. Plus, I grew up in Boulder surrounded by Grateful Dead loving, long skirted hippies and I couldn't wait to get out of there to a land of shaven armpits and Jackie O sunglasses. (BTW Naked has exceptional hygiene. I feel like I need to state that for the record.) Naked Jen actually did traipse about the world following the Dead, she had pink hair! I'm pretty sure at one point in her life she smelled like patchouli. Go ahead Jen, deny it!
So you see...I was completely, wholly, and totally, prejudiced against hippies.
To call Jen that, though is really...not right. It certainly doesn't encompass all that she is. So here she was, this tiny, loud (oh yes, you can tell she's loud even on the Internet!), pink dread locked woman. I've no idea how we linked up but she challenged every prejudice I had formed, knocked down every barrier I had. She, without even knowing it, became someone I looked up to immensely. She has never greeted anything I've brought her with anything other than love, even while she read me the riot act a time or two! I deserved it. Yes, many is the time I've been wrong and she has counseled me lovingly even while giving me hell for being such an ass.
Naked Jen isn't just a friend. She's never afraid to roll up her sleeves (or take off the whole shirt) and help out. At my wedding the cake was unceremoniously dumped upon the table, the flowers weren't arranged, the topper sat on the side, undone and alone. Naked took one look at that and decided that would not do at all and lovingly arranged everything, and I do mean everything. She soon had a crew of people futzing with the centerpieces which obviously needed a little more oomph, oh! and the candles on the head table. Between Naked Jen and our amazing friends (and begrudgingly dsd although he is DEAD to me, in that special 8 th grade way that only a boy who hurts your friend can be) when we entered our reception it was simply beyond belief. I think my Jr. Bridesmaid Miranda said it best "you got married at Hogworts!" and it did look a bit like the great dining hall. If Naked had more time I'm fairly certain she could have suspended the candles in thin air, or conjured the night sky.
Naked Jen was born at the wrong time, perhaps. She really is a wise woman, a sage. Can't sleep? She's got a tincture for that. Having a panic attack? A tea will show up on your door. Pregnant? Sticky baby tea is for you. Bless her and her organics, she has helped me so many times. It's a good thing she was born now because she surely would have been hung for witchcraft! She is certainly not a witch, but she really might be a good fairy. A good fairy with a great shoe collection! Jen and I do have many things in common. We are both vegetarians and animal lovers. We both love pink. We both love our pets like people, and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a soul in there. You might not think it given her moniker, but she is actually quite a clothes horse!
So yeah. She takes off her clothes. So what? She's all about empowerment and love. Body image and accepting yourself. Jen trills her triumphs from the mountaintops and wrenches open her heart to share her grief. She doesn't know any other way to be and for that I am so grateful. Naked isn't just naked in body, she is naked in soul. I am truly grateful to her for so many things. Including bringing me closer to God. I shudder to think of the friend and all the love I would have missed out on if I hadn't gotten over myself. Jen is in a word: spectacular.
That's why, when she snuck off behind the big Christmas tree with our photographer, Zach and I quickly scampered up after her. We weren't going to miss getting our picture taken with Jen at our wedding. And honestly? I love the pink dreads. They are my favorite of all her hairstyles. She is a natural pink head. Pinknette? hmmm...

Happy Birthday Max!

Hello, Gorgeous!

Dear Sweet Baby Max,

It was right about now that Daddy was insisting we go to the hospital and I was telling him how silly he was because we were all set to check in at 6:00 a.m. You see, I was having these rather painful cramps but I thought I was just nervous about the c-section in the morning.

You sure were stubborn! Getting all wedged in there kitty-corner. I always wondered why you never kicked and once we had that last ultrasound we knew why. You must have been very uncomfortable stuck in there with your legs up over your head! I am so grateful to Dr. K for assuring us that every thing would be ok. And it was!

You did me a big favor on the night of July 25th. I had kind of gotten hung up on arbitrarily picking your birthday, but you knew right when you wanted to be born. Maybe you and Dr. K had a little chat without telling me, but you were ready to get things in gear and come on out one way or the other on the 26th!

Auntie Janice met us at the hospital, Grandma was there and Aunt Jen and Uncle Eddie too. Dub and Zuzu were safely at home anxiously awaiting news of your arrival. Everyone was so excited to meet you. I was so scared of the surgery but so, so happy!

Imagine my surprise when they hooked me up to the monitor and declared I was in labor! Contractions only two minutes apart. You don't know the phrase yet, but denial ain't just a river in Egypt. So thank you for releasing me from the worry of picking your birthday. You came right when you were meant too.

Hearing your cry when you came into this world is the best sound I have ever heard. You are full of bests, you know. The first time you recognized me was the best feeling ever, your laugh is the best at lifting my heart, your smile is the best at warming my soul, when your eyes light up you are the best at reminding me there is magic in the world.

Feeling you fall asleep against me is the best, I am completely and utterly content. There is no where I would rather be. And as I know the nights of nursing you to sleep are further gone than we have ahead of us, I am so thankful to you Baby Max for teaching me so much about peace, about happiness and about divinity.

I've heard the phrase 'A child of God' before and thought...yeah, yeah, we are all children of God. Whatever. But then you were born and I understood the very proof that there is something bigger than us is in your breath, in your wonder, just...in YOU. You are a miracle to me, and now I look at all other babies as miracles too. You are what life is all about, children.

It's pretty easy for me to get carried away in the sentimentality of your first birthday, so I'll try to resist and just say thank you for being born. For being so perfectly you. For sharing your food with strangers, for offering your toys to others, for laughing at the puppy, for climbing over everything to get to me. I cannot wait to see what this next year holds for us, Stinker. Because this year has been amazing. I love you so much, unconditionally and for exactly who you are at this moment. I will strive to always do that...let you be who you are and not what I remember or wish.

You are so fun that I know it will be easy. And while I may long for the snuggly baby days, I am certain that you will teach me how great the toddler years are, and then school age, and then teenage....ok maybe not teenage, let's just agree to get through that one as best we can and still love one another alright?

You are the coolest person I know, the handsomest and the sweetest. It's gone so fast, it's hard to say goodbye to this first year!

Happy Birthday Love Bug, Monkey, Stinky D, Baby Max, Potato Baby, Little Nursling. My heart wants to burst with love for you.

Happy First Birthday my Sweet Baby Max

In the words of the lovely Irish Nun who blessed you before we left the Hospital "and God, if there is any thing we've forgotten...You know."