Wordless Wednesday~ Curses. Foiled again!

Sweet Baby Max's latest victims.

This is a post about my beloved cat. She's been gone six months today, and my heart is still raw. Anyone who has ever loved a cat knows that indeed, there are no ordinary cats. Minky was no exception to that rule. She was exceptional, special, amazing. Obviously I thought she was gorgeous. And others did too...she inspired songs, namesakes, and fan pages on the internet. (Seriously going back as far as the geocities days...hello dial up!) She was the love of my life... I miss her so much. I'm not sure I believe in 'familiars' or anything like that, but if they do exist Minky was mine. The relationship that Minky and I had was special. I guess that's why I am so ripped up about her death. I didn't have any warning...I have always known anytime she was sick, and this time there were no signs. Or if there were I missed them. I was too busy with the baby or crying in my beer that we moved. I was going back and forth between horrible Ohio and DC and visiting LA and Colorado and she was alone...maybe she thought I didn't need her anymore. She could not have been more wrong. I miss her every day. I miss her silly scamper. I miss how she firmly believe the changing table was her bed. I miss how she yelled at me to feed her dinner and when I cooked it? She would sit by the oven and make the cutest noises. I miss her leaping through the air to catch bugs. I miss how she watched over the baby. I miss not ever showering or putting on make up or taking bath alone, she was my constant companion. She was my heart walking around on four little feet. I miss her love of photoshoots. I miss her snuggles and her soft bunny fur. I miss that I was known among my friends as Minky's mom, and frequently they just called me Minky. Hence all my on line names. I miss that so many of them wanted to be Minky Wranglers when I was rich and famous and just get paid to hang out and take care of her all day while I was on set. I never lacked a kitty sitter, she was always clamored for. I am clinging so desperatly to the good things because the last bit was so dramatic and awful I can't let it go. How could I have not known? I'll never forgive myself.I tried so hard to save her but it was no good. Yeah, I'm the girl who gave her cat mouth to mouth and CPR. I failed her. I spoiled her her whole life, but those last 12 hours were about denial. We were moving to DC and so I didn't feed her the night before as she had gotten sick on the way to Ohio. I yelled at her the night before she died for waking the baby. We were so busy packing that night she wanted to be brushed and I didn't brush her thinking I would do it when we got to DC. She was so dissapointed I remember the look she gave me so well, it will haunt me forever. I've wanted to go back in time so much since we moved but if I had to pick one thing to do over it would be to go back and give her the best last night of her life and hold her as she passed. (If I couldn't save her, obviously!)

As it was she died in the car right next to me. I looked over and just knew she was gone. I tried so hard to save her. I wish I could have, she was only ten. So young. I made her food her whole life, all organic and every vet that saw her said "I've never seen such a healthy cat!"

So, how is it fair that some kitties live to be 20 on junk food barely being paid attention to and my love passes at ten?

I miss her.

Minky Moo

6.8.98~ 2.20.09

I will never forget you.

I'm just going to put it out there.

You might have notived I haven't blogged in a bit. Or not. I've been sort of sporadic about it but I'm just going to put it all out there now, raw and untouched and unedited.
Gah.
Last night we saw Julie & Julia, and you know how when a movie just speaks to you? This movie sort of rocked my world. Both Julie and Julia are struggling, searching and lost and both find there way through cooking. (I won't be finding my way through cooking as it seems like a lot of work and that's what take out is for) Wow, listening to the dialogue of how lost and empty they felt I thought, well, that's exactly how I feel now.
I feel terrible saying how lost I feel lately, how homesick and cat sick (rest in peace sweet Minky) because I do have the most important thing in the entire world and that is my sweet, sweet baby Max. It's as if voicing these feelings I am denying the good in my life and I don't want to do that. I'm still terrified that the precious boy napping his crib right now is just a beautiful dream. Perhaps I don't want to tempt fate for fear that he will be taken away from me. I know, that's not how it works but I want to state for the record I love my baby, he is funny and fabulous and I love spending time with him. He is my heart. I wish I could describe the utter disconnect between my joy at being his mother and how lost I am about everything else.
Buuuuut, I knew I would be different after I had the baby, and I am. But it's not the post baby body, or the reevaluation of priorities that has me lost. I know it has a lot to do with moving away from my friends and home. I mean, who am I now?

I'm searching. Not for who I was, even though I really liked her, snotty as that sounds. But for who I am now. I was happy before, in fact I told my mother after the baby was born that I thought I might be in heaven...everything was so lovely. I was happy, optomistic, funny, employed and proud of my carreer now matter how small it was. I am now...none of those things. Well, maybe still funny.
But I'm sad. I can't seem to get back to the happy optomistic person I was before the move. And I do have a lot to be grateful and thankful for, and I am. But I've lost my groove, so to speak. I'm not depressed but I just feel lost.
Ages ago I worked this crazy job at a chiropractic office and for some reason the Wall Street Journal showed up at the office one day and so I read it. They had the results of a luck study. Fascinating. They studied 50 people who thought they were lucky, and 50 who thought they were unlucky. The study was simple. The researchers placed ads throughout a newspaper and asked the participants to count the ads. On the second page was a big ad, with bolded writing that said "If you are in the research study you can stop counting. There are 27 ads in this newspaper"
Overwhelmingly the 'lucky' people stopped counting, while the 'unlucky' people kept on going, frequently missing some of the ads.
The researchers decided that lucky people had two skills that unlucky people didn't. They were able to see opportunities when they were presented to them and they trusted them. I decided that day to be lucky and I always have been. Until now. I just can't seem to get back!
And yes, I know the only person who can change this is me. And I'm going to get right on that. I am. I just need to find my passion (aside from mothering of course), I promise everyone I know that it won't be cooking. There's no reason to torture anyone in the pursuit of happiness.