International (wo)man of (no) Mystery.

Behold! My mother's day gifts:

Mayhaps you will recognize the all too familiar logo's from my Motherships. Target Boutique and Starbucks.

Now before you go thinking my fam is lazy for just doling out the gift cards, you must understand how very much I adore gift cards. Two words, people: FREE SHOPPING.

I love to shop. I do. Now that I've bested my eating disorder and given up soda, I will absolutely admit that I could easily go to the dark side of retail and develop an addiction.

Thus far I've held it at bay (although TOTT would now snort and say "barely" but then I bring him something coolio and he forgives. He's the awesome) I suppose if I had more friends in this zip code I might not spend my days plotting the new finds and making lists of things I want as soon as payday comes around. Okay, it might be a small problem. Very small. I window shop far more than I buy and I really choose things wisely. And if I make a mistake I return it ASAP. And so my family gifted me with the happy day of shopping!

I lie about the friends thing...If I had more friends in this zip code I would just be shopping with them.

But here's the thing...I will always love my Target and yes, I will always choose the Target with the Starbucks in it over one without. But perhaps I need to mix it up a bit. I've become a no brainer.

My high maintanance rep is feeling a bit bruised over this. I mean, it's so easy now!~ Just toss Target at me and watch me squeal!

But where, oh where, is there a store as glorious as Target??? I need to go get a coffee and give this matter some serious thought. Maybe I need some shoes too,oh, and hair dye...huh. Target it is.

I think I'm having an affair.

Oh Target, how I love you so. I do. I crave your company every single day, and you always leave me wanting more.  Please never leave me, because I would surely perish without, at the very least, bi-weekly visits.

The moment I arrive I feel giddy, almost drunk and swoony. How do you do this to me every time? I've no resistance to you. None at all.

You are such a temptress, Target. You tease me with bargains on skin care and organic items and then BAM! You blindside me with cute strappy sandals and adorable designer shirts.

I am powerless to resist you, I don't even try anymore. I find excuses to visit...I just need diapers. I need chewies for the dog.  I need a bra. I need...something.

Our affair is a lasting one, we will never outgrow one another. Even if I became a millionaire tomorrow Target, I would never forsake you.

My husband, he knows. He's not happy about it, but like the good man he is he chooses to view our love affair as one of my bad habits. It's as if I chew my nails or pick at zits. Not pleasant, but he loves me enough to overlook it. Most of the time. I neither chew my nails or pick at zits, so at least I've got that going for me.

You're good to me though, Target. You send me home with gifts for him as well. You send me home with razors and DVD's. Little things you know he would enjoy, and I think he appreciates it. It makes him more tolerant of our love affair. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

Other people recognize your glory too. How sweetly you've bedecked me. I have no shame when someone says "I love your outfit" and I realize I am head to toe showing your love.

Whenever I have a problem I run to you first and you have never once let me down. From Halloween to Christmas. From intimate dinner parties to last minute birthday celebrations. I can always count on you. It only makes me love you the more.

I crave your sheets and towels, new bedding and end tables. And oh! Our online affair only adds to my need to see you more. You've added more and more to your beauty products on line, and real wood furniture! Thank heavens my husband doesn't check my internet history or he would surely be jealous of all the time we spend together, without  actually being together.

Oh? You've got some new great baseball equipment that's perfect for this Summer? Tiny gloves so he can teach our son to play? Perfect. That will surely ease his anger, and even provide us with more time together as I would be utterly useless at helping teach the baby baseball!

I know...We visited just this morning but I already feel your call. I love this new little tank shirt I got, perhaps I need it in another color? It was only $9.99. Maybe when the baby wakes we will sneak on out to you.

What's that you say? You have new Elmo toys and Summer clothes for him?

We'll be right there.

What do you mean flip flops aren't Winter footwear?

Photo from OLD NAVY

First off let's just discuss how I finally got it into my head that the proper term for these lovely little slip on shoes is now flip flops. Where I grew up we called them thongs. Call them that now and you get quite a few odd looks. Not that I don't usually get odd looks, but it's as if I've said something very dirty calling flip flops thongs.
Ah, well.

This week Zach and I got a bee in our proverbial bonnets (I really would give anything for a picture of Zach in a bonnet right this very second) to go through all of our many boxes and weed out the stuff we don't even remember we have. And a lot of clothes we've not worn in ages. I am big on Spring Cleaning and was raised that in order for more to come in the house...stuff's gotta go! But when all of your stuff has been boxed up for over a year you start to realize that you have a ton more than you need. I'm not talking kitchen stuff because we are using all the in laws stuff now, but everything else. Doo-dads and what's its.  Just stuff. Too much stuff! We paid to move all this hist across the country twice and I'll be danged if I'm paying to move one more thing that neccessary once it's time for us to leave this version of the American Dream.

 Plus, I am going to nest like the dickens once we get our own space and make it MINE! ALL MINE!

While unpacking I tossed stuff out left and right, broke down boxes packed up three huge bags to take to the consignment store and 6 backs for the children's charity that will come by on Tuesday.

I also found 29 pairs of thongs flip flops. 29. I need FFA, Flip Flops Anonymous. In LA I wore them every single day unless I was wearing Uggs or heels. And pregnant? Forget the heels and Uggs. Nothing but flip flops. I've got three pairs of pink: baby, light and hot. Two green: dark and kelly. Yellow with a little buckle. Brown,red, white and blue. Floral, plaid ones with bows and( God help me) one pair with kitten heels. Remember those? Two of my favorite things...thongs flip flops and kitten heels. Two great tastes that taste great together? Not so much. That's a shoe that should just stay gone, n'est ce pas? The rest are all black. 16 pairs of black flip flops. Casual. Strappy ones with a little gold Bee (also have these in pink) patent leather, ones with a flower on the toe. No rubber pool flops though...just fashion flip flops.  The idea of fashion flip flops cracked me up.

I've weeded it down to 14 pairs of thongs flip flops. I don't think I can go any lower! I need them! I love sundresses and flip flops and sunglasses, it's my year round Summer (sob) uniform.

Today is sunny but brisk. The air is chilly and sharp, but I SO busted out my cheery yellow buckled flip flops. They make me smile. Also? Made an appointment for a pedicure. Winter does stuff to the toesies!

Flip flops, flip flops, FLIP FLOPS...If I keep saying it, maybe I'll get it through my thick skull that we do.not.call.them.thongs.

I.Am.Annoyed.

I am annoyed. At the fashion world. Trust me I don't say that lightly. To me fashion is a near religious experience and I have great reverence for it. We're previously discussed how a great pair of boots can leave me breathless, or a fabulous dress cut on a bias is a thing of wonder.

So what the hell fashion industry??? I'm no longer a twig so you've got nothing for me?

I'm doing ok in the post baby body pursuit. I'm 9 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight but my body is all kinds of different. I've got lumps where once I was smooth, I've got bumps and wobbles and boobs (!) and actually, Ripley's Believe It Or Not, I quite like my new body. But finding something flattering is proving to be a bit difficult. I realize now that not everyone could just walk in, grab something off the rack and assume it would look great. I did. Snotty McSnotterson, party of one checking in. Oh, I'm learning big time now that the amount of clothes I can wear that don't reduce me to tears is minimal at best.

Case in point, why is everything still empire waist? It's slowly starting to change now that winter is upon us, but thanks I'm not pregnant anymore and this just emphasizes the jelly roll hanging out around what used to be my belly button.
Shopping to replace my (useless broken far to expensive I want a new one) stroller the other day I was thrilled that an employee at Buy Buy Baby was so happy to help me! Until she cheerily said "So you'll need a double stroller soon! How exciting!" um no. Not pregnant. Just jiggly. But thanks. Now, how's the Britax selling?

My choices seem to be blousey polyester large patterned tops  or skin tight slut wear, or if I head to the women's department, some sort of strange tunic top.  Somehow in the time it took to grow this child until this point the juniors departments seems to have become a one stop shop to boobville.
It cannot be that difficult to design comfortable, affordable stomach flattering clothing. It just can't.
I realize for the fashion world it's not nearly as exciting as say, making a 3 million dollar bra made of diamonds or a gown made of rare emu feathers, but come on! Give a girl a break.

Kicked when you're down...(or not.)

This weekend Kelly fulfilled her Glambassador Duties at the Glamour Magazine event. What fun! Seriously? Women will take you OUT for a free tote bag with some Calvin Klein slippers and Lancome lipstick in it. Baby Max had to play defense and protect his (I want a new one) stroller! He was run over no less than three times in the mad rush to secure a goody bag. Ladies, calm down! There's enough for everyone.

Kelly and I at the event. I do love Glamour.

MIL even watched the baby so Zach and I could go grab a little nosh at a Mexican restaurant in the mall. Fresh table side guac, need I say more? I also may have been powerless against the little jeans and thermals at Old Navy. Why are kids clothes so cute?

Lately I've been feeling a bit like the song Somethings Coming from West Side Story (one of my favs!). I'm not sure why. No, our circumstances have not changed. We're still living the American Dream, Zach is still working hard at a survival job and I thankfully am still getting residuals. But it's like something has turned...the air is different. Not just that it's fall and I'm all excited about sweaters and boots and my new bangs (I.am.so.shallow.) It's just like something good is coming, I can feel it!

Today we found out that my fabulous aforementioned respectable Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles that I lurve needs repairs that will cost more than we owe on it. Gah. Buying a car right now? Not really in our plans. We will see where we go from here, our credit is fine but really? We'd like to get back to LA, we'd like to get our own place. We've stayed here longer than we planned in order to really pay down some debt and to get back on track. The Ohio Debacle was quite costly, but we're ok ya know? A huge car repair puts a big crimp in the works. We are outgrowing my little sedan by leaps and bounds and car seats and strollers and really how much money do you put into a car to just trade it in six months from now?

Something to ponder...

In the meantime I just feel like something good is coming. It's my little mantra right now, but not in a convincing myself way. More like in an acknowledgement. I've been well taken care of by God or the Universe (whichever you prefer) and though this has been a rough spot, but now I truly feel lighter. And happily expectant! (no I'm not pregnant.)

I'm waiting patiently but excitedly. It's Christmas eve over here. Not even possible car trouble can bring me down tonight.

Something good is coming!

Purse, cars...STROLLERS!

Back in the day I was a purse fiend. Alright, I won't lie I am still a purse fiend. The sight of the new Vuitton can just make my stomach feel all wiggly. And that blue Kooba? I would DIE to have it. But, ah...how the times have changed. If someone dropped a grand in my hands to shop I have to admit, I wouldn't buy a bag. I'd get a new stroller.

WHO AM I????

When Dub and I were pregnant we realized there was a whole other LA world hierarchy. The pecking order of the stroller. Up until then we had been unaware, knowing that your car (Both had respectable H0nda Accords with all the bells and whistles, but oh! how I dream of a CX-9now. So practical, I used to dream of a slick lil BMW convertible) or your purse and sunglasses were an immediate outward sign of your status in LA.

But in the Mommy word? It's all about the stroller! Both of us dreamed of the Bugaboo, which at the time was the ultimate. We dreamed of it, discussed which color we would get...oh, the Bugaboo. Swoon. It was out of the price range for both of us obviously (and knowing what I know now I wouldn't spend the money on it even if I had it!) and so the researching began on what to get...we both settled on the Maxi Cosi Foray. Sort of a Bugaboo knock off. Loved it. And it was only $400! Done and done! Except...shortly before the one year warranty was up, the brake on mine broke. Yeah. I've been trying since JUNE to get a hold of someone to even instruct me where to go to pay to have it fixed, much less attempt to have it fixed from the warranty.

In the mean time, since it's been broken rendering it useless for places like the Zoo which is all hill and you desperately need a brake for it, I've been using the little Graco umbrella stroller we purchased to take on vacation with us and I've become totally aware of what I REALLY need in a stroller. Things which neither the Foray or the umbrella have!

I need a cup holder for mommy. A real live one that can handle a friggin Starbucks. I also need a snack tray for Baby Max with a cup holder. He is at the point where he wants a snack in the stroller. Neither stroller we have now has a place to put a snack or even rest a sippy cup (I am

under no delusion that even with a snack tray the sippy cup won't be tossed on the floor, I'll still be retrieving it I'm sure) I need a big fat storage basket underneath, I need a nice big sun shade to cover the baby, I need the seat to recline flat so the bambino can nap whilst I shop!

And...I need it to look cool. Cause when it comes down to it, I'm still appearance conscious.

I'm looking at these:

The City Jogger Mini. (It does have a snack tray) or The Graco Quatro Tour Sport. I must admit, I like the look of it, it comes in several colors...a little unsure of the footrest for the bambino. What do you have? What do you love about it?

Things I have done to prepare for the First Birthday Party

• Purchased an ungodly amount of plastic Elmo-ware sure to hasten the demise of the planet and choke the Pacific Gyre beginning July 27 th.
• Made a donation to offset Liberal Guilt associated with Elmo-ware death to sea creatures.
• Actively pursued the explosion of ToysRUs and Fisher Price in our home.
• Dyed my Nightmare on Elm Street-esque grey streak that has developed this year as I feel it is inappropriate to celebrate the culmination of Max's first year looking as though Freddy Kruger has scared the bejeezuz outta me. (even if he did.)
• Had half the skin on my face 'dermabraded' read: used a sander on my face in a vain (both meanings of the word, utter vanity and totally for naught) attempt to appear as if I have slept 1 of the 365 days since Baby Max arrived.
• Baked Elmo's head in the form of a cake.
• Begged, pleaded and prayed for Elmo's head to come out of the pan in one Elmo shaped piece.
• Actually danced around the kitchen when Elmo's head was successfully released from the pan.
• Laughed at how honest to God pleased and proud of myself I was from this achievement.
• Used all those fantastic make up skills learned from all my years of theatre to painstakingly turn Elmo from blank cake to frosty monster!
• Thanked God that frosting, like make up, is forgiving.
• Purchased a new outfit for me to wear to the party....yeah I know. Max doesn't care.
• New lip gloss may have snuck in there too.
• I did resist the shoes....
• Giggled as my husband put together the new play set for Max, and so it begins...
• Wondered what on earth we will get him for Christmas! Surely we've purchased everything there is to get...
• Oh! Looked at Fisher Price catalog and PBK, now have a new list for Christmas!
• Realized happily how my priorities have changed since Baby Max has been born.
• Decorated the house
• Wished I could do more...
• Wished for another year as happy and healthy as this one.
• Held him close, and let him go as he takes his first wobbly steps towards two.
• Love him. Love him. Love him.