But I digress...Quelle Surprise!
Just like any affair, it began innocently enough. In this instance I was egged on by my friends Rachell and Janice.
Trust me, you'll love it said Rachell.
I can't stop myself said Janice.
I'm too old for this! I protested.
I'm older than you, Rach reminded me then told me just how good it felt to be naughty.
He is so hot, Stephanie, he's delicious. Janice implored.
So I gave in. And it was good. Good in that way that M&M's are good. No nutritional value whatsoever but you can't.stop.eating.them. Before I knew it I was staying up late, waiting till everyone fell asleep and then sneaking off to indulge.
And then it happened. The Walk of Shame.
Nervously I approached him, flushing as his hand touched mine as I handed it to him.
He said: Exchange?
I said: Yes.
And blushed further. And just like any guilty person I couldn't stop talking, offering far too many details.
I vomited out: I bought it for my niece but she already had it so I just need the last one. For my niece. She doesn't have that one.
LIES. ALL LIES.
Not even 36 hours earlier I had stood in that same Borders and reached for the book, fingers touching it just a fraction of a second before the 13 year old girl who was just opening her mouth to say "Mom, can I have..." I plucked up the book right as her fingers grasped the now empty space where it had been. She gaped at me in disbelief and, God help me, I smiled triumphantly and trounced up to the register. Thrilled that I had gotten the last copy - stolen right out from underneath a child.
Now I shamefully clutched the bag with the newly exchanged final book secured for my non-existent niece to my chest and hurried out into the night, wearing yesterdays yoga pants, tank and hoodie. It was indeed a Literary Shame F***, just as Rachell had said it would be, and as I walked the Walk of Shame I thought man, it was worth it!
I had an affair with Twilight and my husband didn't divorce me. He did however, suggest therapy.
Also? Renesmee? Stupidest name ever.