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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Of Nightmares and Shopping. And shopping nightmares.

Ever have one of those dreams? The ones that seem so real you can't seem to shake the feeling of long after you've woken? Usually I just roll over and slug the Lying Liar Who Lies who groggily responds:

 "who did I sleep with this time?"

It runs the gamet from the girl who tortured me in Catholic School, who is now a lesbian so the chances of her coming for my man are pretty slim, to Jennifer Aniston who is a huge star so the chances of her coming for my man are also pretty slim.

(sorry honey.)

Sunday night I had the Academy Award winning 3-D nightmare of my kid being kidnapped. I felt it all day. Slept, woke up Monday and still felt a bit of it. This dream had it all. A phone that wouldn't dial with a battery about to die, cops that would be helpful if only my phone wouldn't die every time I managed to connect, a meeting point at a park where no one showed up, a search team looking for him in utter futility.

And then the baby woke.

In the morning after he wakes he likes to cuddle in bed with me for about 1/2 hour just nursing and babbling away to me. It's one of my favorite times of the day, I will miss it sorely when he no longer points to my bed and whispers "mommy snug!" I cuddled him extra close and kissed him from the top of his head to his cute little toes, blowing many raspberries on his belly and drinking in his giggles. Honestly, is there anything better than a baby's giggles? But even in the middle of this perfect moment I continued to panic. The emotions of the dream were so real.

The best part of your husband cheating on your dreams is that your husband is right there..having NOT (hopefully) cheated on you and you can punish him all day for the sins of his dream alter ego. Even if you try not too the chances that your husband will annoy you within a 12 hour waking period are high, even if he is at work for 8 of those hours, and then you can transfer all that left over residual angstyness right on to 'why can he NEVER remember to walk the dog?!'  or whatever.

There was no one to punish with this dream so I cuddled Mr. Max till he pushed me away and said "all done, Mommy!"


Like Holly Golightly, I decided to head to the place that makes the Mean Reds (Unsettled Purples? Nervous Greens? Overreacting Oranges?) go away. Tiffany. But it's all the way at Tyson's Corner and I didn't feel like driving that far. Besides, a toddler in a stroller totally cramps my evening gown/tiara/cup of coffee/cruller holding/diamond window shopping style.

Shhhh. Honey, Mommy's pretending she's Audrey Hepburn. (again.)

I decided to settle for Montgomery Mall. They have a Nordstroms and a Malibu Coffee so it's good for an afternoon of shopping distraction. Plus Max is suddenly rocking the Urkel look with all his pants. Swear to Christmas they fit him last week, but now he is clearly expecting a flood of muppets and so his pants have risen accordingly. Not a good look for a dude. Even one as cute as my Mr. Max. Montgomery has an Old Navy which rocks for the small people so away we went...

Or not. Cause then I remembered that mall was the scene of the terrifying "YOU BETTER WATCH THAT BABY" incident.

Did you miss that one? Sheesh people, I tweeted about it! How did you ever live without knowing the play by play of my day!
10:48 @minkymoo  I'm tired.
10:50 @minkymoo  COFFEE!!!!
11:30@minkymoo I wish Target would go on my bank statement as "Totally Neccessary so @zdulli don't get mad"

See what you've been missing??

Anyway I was at Montgomery when this woman came up to me out of nowhere (ok, the line at Malibu) and said
"You bettter watch that baby. He is kidnappable."

Hello. My name is Stephanie and I have postpartum anxiety. So thanks for that random lady. Maybe next time just say: your baby is cute. That would be better.

So scratch the mall. Drinking it is. Oh wait, that's not a good plan, huh? Not the best to be drunk at 11 a.m. on white wine spritzers while you've got a small precious person in your care, you say?
Ah, well. I'm not a big drinker anyway. Also, I've never had a white wine spritzer. Someone ordered one at the Regal Beagel on a Three's Company rerun the other day. (I puffy heart John Ritter 4-ever)

No mall. No drinking. Chocolate it is! And baby snuggles. And Zoloft! If I ever meet the man/woman/lab rat who invented Zoloft I am going to tongue kiss them like Will Ferrel and Sasha Baron Cohen .


Allyson & Jere said...

I am just so happy I found you, 'cause seriously, you make me laugh....out loud. I mean, sorr about the scarey dream, and the freaky lady saying your kid is kidnappable, BUT, the story, she was funny!

Alissa said...

DUDE! You are hilarious. And seriously, who the eff tells someone their kid is "kidnappable?" I would have side eyed her like mad.

And I totally agree with you on the Zoloft---I couldn't function without it!

Shari@Tales from the Sippy Cup said...

It never seems to shock me anymore what these "randoms" (oh, I know that's rude) say to someone about their kiddo! Keeps things interesting if nothing else.

I know it must felt like a tiny paper cut for a second, but...you have to admit it was too cute when your kiddo said to you "all done, Mommy!"

HA! I love it!!

Salt said...

I cannot STAND those vivid dreams. Guilty as charged of hitting the hubs a couple times in the middle of the night after he's had an affair with Scarlett Johannson. Tramp.

I cannot believe that lady came up to you and said that. Even if you hadn't just had an awful dream about it, that's like telling the baggage x-ray guys at the airport to be careful with your stuff because there's a bomb inside. Not funny and kind of creepy.

I puffy heart John Ritter forever also. He was my first celebrity crush. I loved how he fell off that bike in the opening credits.